Our story begins 75 million years ago. There existed a galactic federation ruled by an alien overlord by the name of Xenu. Xenu let his federation get a little out of hand, and each planet in his care had reached a population of around 178 billion! When he heard he was to be deposed from power, Xenu knew he had to do something drastic. He devised a plan to gather billions of people together under the ruse of income tax inspections, and froze them all! He and his henchmen loaded the people into his fleet of space ships and flew them to a plan among the confederation known as Teegeeack. We now know this planet as Earth. Xenu placed all of the billions of frozen bodies around the base of every active volcano on Teegeeack and lowered hydrogen bombs into each of the volcanoes and detonated them simultaneously. This created a worldwide disaster and killed all but a few of the people instantly. The souls, then having been released of their bodies, floated upwards. Xenu foresaw this, however, and essentially created a giant soul-sucking vacuum cleaner to capture them all. He took the souls to a couple of cinemas - one in the Virgin Islands, one in Hawaii. Here, they forced them to watch "various misleading data" for 36 days straight. These souls, now having been turned evil, are the source of our everyday bad thoughts and feelings. The people who somehow survived the volcanic eruptions are the descendants of modern humans. True story!
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